Wise parents learn quickly there are some control battles you never win.  From the time children are born, there are some control battles parents will never win.  For example, you can’t ever make a baby go to sleep.  Or for that matter, you can’t ever make a baby eat when he doesn’t want to eat.  You certainly aren’t in charge of when a baby poops.  There are some control battles you lose from the time your children are born.  Parents who try to force their children to eat, sleep, or poop are never going to win the battle.  Parents can encourage these behaviors and provide an environment that encourages these behaviors, but they can’t “make” a baby eat, sleep, or poop (without being abusive at least).

I remember a food control battle with my mother when I was probably five or six years old.  I had a lot of food allergies as a child and there were foods I couldn’t eat, especially breakfast foods.  As a result, I ate oatmeal frequently for breakfast.  One morning, I wanted what my siblings were having for breakfast, but my mom couldn’t let me eat it because I was allergic to eggs.  I refused to eat my oatmeal.  Mom had had enough.

She told me that if I didn’t eat that oatmeal for breakfast, I would have it for lunch that day.  I refused to eat my oatmeal.  Mom served me that same bowl of oatmeal for lunch that day.

Mom told me that if I didn’t eat that oatmeal for lunch, I would have it for supper that day.  I refused to eat my oatmeal. Mom served me that same bowl of oatmeal for supper that day.

By the end of the day, my mom recognized that she had chosen a control battle she could not win without becoming abusive.  Blessedly, my mom was willing to admit she had chosen a control battle she could not win.  Mom and I have talked about the “oatmeal incident.”  Mom readily admits that she should not have served the oatmeal to me for lunch and supper.  She also recalls that she had become frustrated with constant issues about the foods I couldn’t eat.  As a child, I didn’t really understand that all the “fun foods” (like eggs) could make me sick.  I just saw that my siblings got to eat foods I couldn’t eat.

My mom has repeatedly cautioned me about getting into control battles with children.  Once you get into a control battle, you need to win it if you are the adult.  However, wise parents don’t engage in control battles because they realize that they can’t win most control battles without becoming abusive.  Children will continue to raise the stakes in control battles until parents become abusive or back down.

Wise parents avoid control battles they cannot win and recognize that they can’t win most control battles.

This entry was posted on Tuesday, January 27th, 2009 at 8:58 am and is filed under Blog. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.