Would Someone Please Be The Grownup? (Part 1)
I have wanted to write about the need for parents and other adults to be “grownups” in the lives of children for some time, but have been hesitant to write these blogs for fear that I would seem angry or cynical, but after 16 years of working with abused and neglected children, I need to write about what I have observed. Too frequently I have observed that children are placed in difficult and harmful situations because of the inability of adults to be “grown up” and provide the safety and care that the children need.
Recently, I was asked to have two youngsters write a letter to their mother. The young men have been in the care of Children’s Protective Services for nearly seven years. They have lived in a variety of placements including group care, residential treatment centers, and foster homes before coming to their current group home. They have both struggled to deal with issues related to ADHD and anger management. When I look at their placement histories, I feel certain that if I were in their place, I would have some issues with anger as well.
About a year and a half ago, CPS decided to try to terminate their parents’ parental rights and free the young men up for adoption. However, when CPS sent their birth mother notification about a termination hearing, she indicated that she wanted to work on a plan to have the youngsters returned to her. Initially, she sent cards, letters, and photos and the boys were excited about the possibility of living in a “real” family. As time passed though, their mother had trouble maintaining employment and was incarcerated again.
As the situation evolved, their mother has recognized that her children will probably not return to her care, yet she is reluctant to relinquish her parental rights. She is like other birth mothers I have had contact with during the last sixteen years. She can’t seem to take care of herself or her children. She loves her children, but she doesn’t know how to the parent they need her to be. She can’t make a decision that would be in the best interest of her children because she doesn’t want them to be upset with her.
The mother told the boys’ caseworker that she would relinquish parental rights if her children would each write her a letter telling her that they want to be adopted. While I hate the idea of asking children to give their mother permission to relinquish parental rights, I have to admit that in this case it is in the best interest of the children to write the letters. Based on previous experiences with the judge, I believe that without the letters, he will allow these youngsters to grow up in foster care without a permanent family.
After spending several counseling sessions talking about how a parent can love a child and not be able to take care of him and discussing how a judge will make decisions about whether a child grows up in foster care or gets adopted, I talked to each of the boys separately about writing a letter to his mother. Both boys separately agreed to write the letter and each wrote his own letter without input from his brother. Each boy wrote and told his mother that he loved her, but that he needed a family to care for him.
Both boys had tears streaming down their faces as they wrote those letters. I don’t know if their mother will keep her word and relinquish parental rights when she gets the letters.
What I do know is that no child should have to give his mother permission to let him go.
What I do know is that no child should have to face the world without a family.
What I do know is that these boys needed someone to be a grownup.
I hope that since these boys had the courage to write a difficult letter that someone else will have the courage to let them be adopted.
I hope that since these boys had the courage to write a difficult letter that someone else will have the courage to adopt them into a loving family.
Now do you begin to understand my question . . . would someone please be the grownup?
