I recently read articles about a father in Houston, Dennis Ray Driver, who fell asleep with his 8-month-old son lying on his chest. When the Driver woke up, his son wasn’t breathing. Before Driver fell asleep, he had been chopping up cocaine. His son apparently sucked Driver’s thumb and overdosed on the cocaine. Even a trace amount of cocaine can can be lethal for infants. Driver’s son died the next day.
The rest of the story is that Driver had six previous convictions related to cocaine and was free on bail on a cocaine possession charge. Driver never intentionally hurt his son, but he couldn’t create a safe environment for himself much less take care of his son. Driver maintained that he was innocent throughout the trial for his son’s death, but was sentenced to life in prison.
In my counseling practice, I work with children who have been removed from their parents’ care because their parents cannot keep them safe and meet their needs. Frequently, I have to describe for children the characteristics of a safe family because they have not ever lived in a family that is safe. In a safe family, the adults protect the children and meet their needs. In a safe family, no one hits, says ugly things, or engages in sexual activities with children. In a safe family, the grownups love and nurture their children and recognize that their children are fragile in many ways.
Many of us have grown up in safe families and take it for granted that children today are growing up in similar safe environments. Regrettably, many children live in homes with parents like Dennis Driver–parents who need help managing their own lives before they can provide a safe home for children.
I pray that God will provide safety for those children who are fragile and living in dangerous situations and that he will open my eyes to see the needs around me and help me find ways to make the world a safer place for children.
I recently read an article about Jon Gosselin and his life with his eight children. Jon and his wife have made the decision to allow segments of their lives and the lives of their children to be documented for a television series on TLC called Jon & Kate Plus 8. While I might question the wisdom of focusing so much publicity on the lives of children, I can empathize with Jon when he says that every time he watches a segment of the documentary, he sees himself through the eyes of the camera rather than through his own eyes. He states that watching the segments of himself on the screen is like marriage counseling and he finds himself apologizing at times and trying to learn how to be a better spouse and parent.
I wonder how much my interactions with others would change if I were on television. The camera would only record the outward behavior, not the intent of my actions. I would probably discover that I frequently act in ways that are consistent with what I am thinking or wanting to communicate to others. My parenting skills like Jon’s would probably improve if I were to see myself through the camera lens rather than through my own biases. I think today and tomorrow and the next day, I will try to imagine how the camera would record my actions.
Last night I listened to a frustrated mother describe her interactions with her teenage daughter. The mother was almost tearful when she said, “I feel terrible saying this. I love my daughter, but I don’t like her.” Wow! What parent of a teenager hasn’t occasionally felt that way? Yet when that is the primary way parents feel about interacting with their children, it is a problem that needs to be addressed. Occasionally when we are trying to deal with all the issues related to parenting, we forget to teach our children their three primary jobs. The three primary jobs of children in any family are:
1. Be fun to live with
2. Be respectful
3. Be responsible
If we can narrow parenting expectations down to these three rules, it makes it much simpler to address problem behaviors. If a child is not completing his chores, he is not being responsible. If a child is being rude, she is not being respectful. If a child is demanding and selfish, he is not being fun to live with.
In fact, those three rules are pretty good rules for parents as well as children. If we focus on being fun to be with, being respectful, and being responsible, we will be modeling some incredible behaviors for our children. Children learn what they see and live, not what they are told.
I was sitting at the wrong gate waiting for a flight to Tulsa. When I realized that the passengers around me were talking about going to Lubbock (not Tulsa), I packed up my computer and the manuscript I was working on. The gentleman across the aisle from me said, “You don’t want to go to Lubbock?” I told him I wanted to go to Lubbock because that was home, but that I was headed to Tulsa today. I found out he has four children who range in age from 2 to 8 and he was eager to be home to interact with them. He volunteered that he was old to have such young children, but that he and his wife had just adopted the youngest two children less than six months ago. He told me they were trying to decide if they would take additional foster children, but he readily confessed that he didn’t mind having a lot of children in his home, he just didn’t want any of them to leave. We went on to talk about the Children’s Protective Services workers we knew and what a tough job they have and how much foster homes and adoptive homes are needed in Texas right now.
I don’t know how the situation is in the rest of the world, but in Lubbock, Texas, we need Christian families who will step up to the plate and provide foster homes and adoptive homes for children. I will be the first one to admit that foster care and adoption can be tough work for parents, but the rewards are tremendous. Many children who are in foster care and available for adoption don’t respond to typical parenting and need what I call “professional parenting.” Anyone who is committed and willing to learn can become a “professional parent.” It takes grit and determination, but all good parents have those qualities. If you have thought about adoption or foster care, please pray about it. We have literally thousands of children in Texas who need a family. If you are in the Lubbock area contact Stacy Parker at sparker@childshome.org. She will be more than happy to get you additional information. If foster care and adoption are not your ministry, please pray for our foster parents and kids in foster care. God is all powerful and he can work miracles in their lives.
